Friday, July 8, 2011

From the Heart

We've been absent from the blogging world for some time, and have lots to catch you up on. But I'm saving this blog for one purpose, and on purpose only, TO SHARE from my heart! I stopped posting on this blog around the time when we miscarried our baby. It was a very sad and emotional time. I didn't feel very positive, and felt like I was just going through the motions. So I didn't want to blog and 'pretend' to be happy when I wasn't feeling it. Now that I'm in a much better place, I'm ready to share again...
That miscarriage shook me to my core.  3 years later I'm still saddened, crying, and have obviously not come to terms.  It's not something I can just dismiss and say "Oh well!  It wasn't meant to be!".  At the time I mourned the loss of what could have dream of holding another beautiful baby in my womb, in my watch them take their first learn to get married and make me a grandmother.  Children bring SO much joy to me. 
It was also a dragged out process as my hcg (hormone) levels in my blood were roller coastering rather than just diminishing back to nothing.  I had false positives, false hopes that the tests were wrong.  I shut myself off from the world and went inside my sad soul alone.  I would find times to cry alone.  I know Shane was sad about losing the baby too, but we were distracted with exuberant and full-of-life Ben that we just didn't come to terms...together.
One way I'm going to come to terms now, is I'm going to plant a tree our baby's honor.  Something that can live and thrive.  A reminder of how good God is... what His promises are to us... and a reminder that things happen according to His plan.  After all, if I hadn't lost that pregnancy, I wouldn't have my sweet Ruby...
Thank you for letting me share. xox